like a child

Prayer time at night is one of my favorite aspects of the schedule at the Vine. When you’re on call with the girls, at bedtime we go into their rooms and just listen as they unwind from the day. Most of them have their prayer requests down pat (and even ask us to recite them from memory for them), but sometimes deep conversations can really come up. One of the girls, Jessica, is really one of our miracles. She has a rough past where she got into drugs around age 15 and eventually went to jail twice for a total of about 9 months. Over and over again, she expresses to me how much she hates her past. There are even times she says she should have been dead due to overdose. The father of the baby is still addicted to drugs as well and seems to essentially be a compulsive liar. However, somehow even in the middle of being addicted to meth, she got pregnant. there are so many heartbreaking turns in her story, and there are still some rough times ahead, but she is redeemed beyond belief. After coming to the Vine, she is clean from drugs, has gained weight to become healthy herself, and has a healthy baby boy (we just found out on Wednesday!!) growing inside her. One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen also is the way she genuinely working toward repairing relationships with her family. I am in awe of the Lord’s goodness when I look at her. She has a sweet, unassuming nature, and she is working so hard to make a better life for herself as she makes good decisions for her baby and is working toward her GED.

On Saturdays, we are able to do something fun with the girls if their parents do not come for visitation, and one of the first Saturdays I was here we went to the beach. Before she fell into bad company, she said her family went to the beach often. Oh, how she lit up as soon as we got there! She threw her flip flops off and ran into the waves where we played and floated the rest of the time there. She was like a child- and taught me to be like one too.

God usually works like that.

In a place where I believed I would come and have wisdom to give (how haughty of me), instead Jesus uses all his children to teach. So, Jess continues to have that child-like faith, and I am reminded to have it too. It only seems fitting that Jesus put this lesson in my head just now as my time comes to a close. The song “Wonder” has filled my head throughout the summer, and the lyrics remind me how I should be in the presence of our God.

May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King

I pray none of us ever lose it, for His glory goes on forever, and He is “clothed with splendor and majesty.” (Psalm 104:1) God is good and faithful in all things, to all people, at all times, in all places. Especially for me in Savannah, Georgia.

beauty in the mundane

My time in Savannah so far has been filled to the brim with new experiences, new restaurants, new places, and even seeing a couple of celebrities! I am in awe of all that I have had the blessing of doing over the past several weeks. However, sometimes it hasn’t been all that glamorous. Though my personality drives me to desire to go and do and never stop every second of the day, God is continuing to remind me that there is surely beauty in it all- from the mundane to the hilltop moments.

Work-wise, this week has consisted of sorting through donated clothes at the store, a meeting, and taking one of our sweet residents to the dentist’s office. Though it doesn’t rank so highly on the glamour scale, I am learning that it certainly brings glory to God anyway.

God is a personal God. He knows our innermost being and desires to be present in every detail of our lives. That’s why when I happened to look up the definition of mundane that I was blown away.

mun·dane

ˌmənˈdān/

adjective

     1.  lacking interest or excitement; dull

     2. of this earthly world rather than a heavenly or spiritual one.

I expected the first definition. That was the one I had in mind when I began this post, but the second one… that’s what really hit me. This earth we walk on is itself mundane, but our God chose to come to earth as a man and walk on it anyway. And “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.” (Hebrews 4:15) Jesus came to earth and experienced everything we have and will experience as He turned that second definition on its head. He himself made earth a spiritual place as He walked on it fully God and fully man. He knows the roller coaster that we often go through- our emotions, our situations, our relationships. Our ups and downs and our highs and lows are nothing new to Him. However, it was in those highs and those lows that He proved Himself to be so perfect and holy. 

“Who has believed what he has heard from us?
    And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
For he grew up before him like a young plant,
    and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
    and no beauty that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men;
    a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
    he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs
    and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken,
    smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
    and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
    we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
    the iniquity of us all.” Isaiah 53:1-6

As Jesus walked on the earth, He did not look like the rest of the world. It is not because He performed magic tricks with pizazz or looked like a movie star though. As we know, He did not stand out for His looks but rather for His extravagant love and power and healing and selflessness flowing through and from Him. His ways were and always will be quite opposite from how we are told to act. Therefore, we will never find our satisfaction in the most likes on Instagram, meeting a celebrity, or some other form of 15 minutes of fame. Our hearts were only meant to be fully satisfied by following after the God Who is the Alpha and Omega, from everlasting to everlasting. The One Who was, and is, and is to come. All else will fade away, “but the word of our God will stand forever.” (Isaiah 40:8) 

So, even in the “normal” moments, our dedication and perseverance in following His will proves so much more rewarding and fulfilling. The highs of our relationships with God often prove to be the most memorable, but we must also remember that He is constant. In our wondering and in the ebbs and flows of everyday life, He reminds us to simply come be with Him, to rest in His presence in the moments of the in-between and the routine too. He always has something new to teach me, if I would just sit and listen, if all that I am would “wait quietly before my God.” (Psalm 62:5)

Whether I’m folding clothes or praying over the health of a baby as he or she’s growing in the womb, God is there. He always has been, always will be, and it is because of that, that our mundane moments turn out to be quite sacred and beautiful after all.

Jesus & Jurassic World (yes, I will connect them)

Last weekend, I had the pleasure of watching Jurassic World. (My fellow staff members who attended it with me might not say the same. I am an action movie spaz. But that’s besides the point.) It was super intense, but once I finally stopped shaking due to my muscles being clenched the whole time (in suspense, not fear, of course. two different things), I seriously enjoyed it. As crazy as it may seem, I even drew some parallels to the Gospel. Who knew, right?

In the movie, the super smart scientists in the lab at Jurassic World have created a genetically modified dinosaur called Indominus Rex. As mayhem ensues, the biggest problem the main characters face is not knowing what various animal genetics have been used to birth this monster. Time after time, they discover a new trait- but only after she has wreaked a new havoc.

Lately, I’ve been learning more and more about how we need to know our enemy, too. As followers of Christ, we really are under attack at all times. Sometimes, it’s hard to talk about spiritual warfare, especially in the American society where Satan sometimes attacks in sneakier ways. However, that doesn’t mean we don’t need to prepare ourselves just as well as if we were fighting a dinosaur that wanted to eat us. In fact, we need to prepare even further, since ya know, dinosaurs are extinct and Satan is not.

“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Ephesians 5:12

I have been learning that Satan knows us infinitely well, especially our calling, and he will do anything possible to keep us from being world-changers. After all, he was there in the beginning when we were created as well, and he desires nothing more than to see us wither in the face of adversity.

This wrestling with the enemy will last until our Savior returns; there is no question of that. However, how wonderful it is to know that Jesus has not left us on our own! “It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me” (Gal. 2:20), so when we rely fully on Him, all things are possible. Not only that, but Christ promises us that “the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” (John 14:26) We have “the full armor of God” (Ephesians 6:13), people! And it’s time that we really learn how to use it.

On the flip side, however, I am also being reminded over and over that our Father also knows our deepest calling- He is the One who put it there. He “created my inmost being; [He] knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13) And the same is true for every person on the earth– past, present, and future. He has a specific plan for you, and when we turn our lives over to Him, His glory will abound, and we will have the greatest privilege of witnessing the furthering of His kingdom.

But how many leaders and empowers and dreamers had their bright futures snuffed out? I believe we must say, “No more,” to the prince of darkness. We are “more than conquerors through him who loved us.” (Romans 8:37) Jesus said, “It is finished,” (John 19:30) and God said, ““Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.” (Jeremiah 1:4-5) 

I am learning more and more that the potential that lies within every person is insurmountably great when God shows up. Each girl that I am working with at The Vine has undergone tragedy, hardship, pain, abuse.

“BUT GOD, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.” (Ephesians 2:4-7) 

Oh, what a phrase that is… BUT GOD. He has raised us up. He is showing the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. Every single resident and staff member here at The Vine has beautiful gifts and callings directly instilled in them from our Creator. It’s time for us to look at every individual and fight for them. And fight for ourselves. May the Spirit lead us as we encourage one another and build each other up to greater things that will last for eternity. May we know that “the thief comes only to kill and steal and destroy.” But may we also know that He has come that we may have life and “have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

We will know our enemy fully, that we might fight “the good fight,” finish the race, and keep the faith. (2 Timothy 4:7) Even more so, we will know our God fully, remembering all the while He “raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power.” (1 Corinthians 6:14) What a powerful, loving, complex, and True God we serve.

Expectant, Confident

The first email I sent out to my prayer partners included a verse that has become one I hold very dear in life:

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I especially aim to cling to the part that says, “pray without ceasing.” I have a deep desire to be a prayer warrior, a woman that is ready and willing to go to the Lord in prayer at any time, and I eagerly expect for the Spirit to help me in my weakness. When I “do not know what to pray for as [I] ought,” I desperately hope that the Spirit would lead me and even intercede for me “with groanings too deep for words.” (Romans 8:26) However, even in the midst of these desires, I have lacked self-discipline in the past, and so improving in prayer was one of my first goals upon arrival to the Living Vine. Thankfully, God has already rocked me. He has invited me to pray expectantly. He has whispered these verses into my heart and brought them to life:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16

What a glorious thing it is that He knows our hearts and asks us to come to Him with holy confidence anyway! No request is too small or too great for Him, and He has proved that in just the past two weeks. I used to think that asking for these things in prayer were too arrogant or haughty, but God continues to remind me of his mercy and grace that flow so frequently. It is not because of me that I even can approach His throne with confidence, but rather it is always, only because of the salvation of Jesus Christ.

As I worked at Blessingdale’s, a gift and thrift store from which all its proceeds go the The Living Vine, I sorted through some donated jewelry at the register while greeting the many customers coming through the front door. Some was broken, some was fashionable. There were endless amounts of earrings and bracelets, but I came across a necklace that had braille on the front of it. Intrigued, I flipped it over to find “faith” written on the back. I quickly felt a burden on my heart, and I, almost without even realizing, asked God to bring in a blind person to the store that day so I could give her the necklace. I sorted through the rest of the jewelry and went about completing various tasks. Then, a couple of hours later, a man and woman walked in to the store. The woman carried a walking stick and the man followed closely behind her, describing detail after detail of the merchandise in the store. God answered my prayer! It was a simple, random prayer, nonetheless, but what beauty He revealed to me through it. I told my supervisor about it, then approached them a few minutes later with the necklace in hand. We had a short conversation, and they were also joyful at the answered prayer and gift. Like I said, this was a small prayer and maybe not a life-changing event for that couple, but it certainly is a day I will not soon forget. He recalled to memory that “one who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much,” (Luke 16:10) and once again, as always, he restored “to me the joy of [his] salvation.” (Psalm 51:12)
I have already seen him answer prayers for the girls here at The Living Vine and prayers for my growth, and the amazement that comes from that is new every time. He invites us to pray continually, and in doing so, our eyes are opened to the joy and the pain of the world around us. I once was blind, but now I see, all because of the Spirit leading me, and I can’t wait to see how I might be led throughout the rest of this summer.

Beloved Child

Right now, I am sitting in the Atlanta airport waiting to board the final flight that will take me to home for the summer- Savannah, Georgia. I have been wanting to write all my feelings and thoughts for what’s to come for quite some time but couldn’t quite decide how to really express it all.

On the flight from DFW to Atlanta, I was able to read Life of the Beloved by Henri J.M. Nouwen for the first time, and it wasn’t until I read it that I knew how much I needed to read it. The text centers around the story of the Baptism of Jesus:

“In those days Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee and was baptized by John in the Jordan. And when he came up out of the water, immediately he saw the heavens being torn open and the Spirit descending on him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven, “You are my beloved Son;d with you I am well pleased.” Mark 1:9-11

Every time I have ever read these words, they have only spoken to me of just how much God loved Jesus. The word “Beloved” was covered in such a sweet sound, but in this context, I believed it was only meant for Jesus. However, after reading the first part of Nouwen’s wonderful book, I quickly realized that it’s meant for me too. I am covered in Jesus’ blood, and over and over again, I have said to myself and to others that when God looks at us, He sees the purity of Jesus. In the same way, I now believe that he even sees me with the same love. I write this with a deep feeling of relief. I hear His voice whisper to the deepest depths of my heart, “You are my Beloved Child, on you my favor rests.” And He whispers it over and over again. But as Nouwen so beautifully puts it,

“It certainly is not easy to hear that voice in a world filled with voices that shout: ‘You are no good, you are ugly; you are worthless; you are despicable, you are nobody- unless you demonstrate the opposite.'”

I once had a friend tell me, “Fix yourself before you fix others.” In my self-critical tendencies, I took that to mean that I should constantly live by the verse that says,

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:3-5

It could be very well that my friend meant it in that way, but after a few years of remembering that advice, I now understand it in an entirely different way. Jesus instead also desires to “fix” me in the way of deep healing. Though I have told myself many times and have heard the story of grace over and over, I still need to be reminded that I cannot and do not have to earn the love of God. I am always and forever Beloved Daughter. Every day, I must make to choice to see “the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.” (Psalm 143:8) My desire to achieve and define success may plague me often, but instead the choice to rest in the arms of my God as His Beloved will satisfy me forever.

This is the preparation and words I so desperately needed to have spoken over me by my Savior before I serve in ministry this summer. And this is the fixing that I truly need. My struggle will most likely continue, but when you and I choose to be bathed as The Beloved, it is then that we can inspire and encourage others to do the same. Don’t you know? You are already enough. You are also always and forever Beloved Child of God, heir of glory.

And I believe and am beyond ecstatic to remind others of these words this summer in Savannah, Georgia at The Living Vine Christian Maternity Home.

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